“We’re Awful Sorry Lads But Ye Have To Play Off Mats” Says Augusta Chairman

It’s a Masters like no other, in a year like no other, and and when honorary starters Lee Elder, Jack Nicklaus and Gary Player get the tournament underway on Thursday morning expect to see Augusta like you’ve never seen it before.

“Look we’re awful sorry about the state of the place but to be fair we’d usually be in Florida this time of year with the jackets off relaxin'” said Augusta Chairman Fred Ridley yesterday.  “And until last week we bloody well were.”

“The place doesn’t be in great nick in the Winter to be honest with ye,” Ridley continued.  “We had an ‘oul padlock on the gates the last few months and you know yourself what happens if you don’t keep on top of things. There’s a bit of a smell of piss still in the locker rooms but we’ve most of the mildew sorted now.” 

“The course? Well, number one, ye will be playin’ off mats and if I catch anyone teeing the ball in the ground behind a mat you’re gone. Out. Number two, the greens are hollowtined, we might have six or seven of them sanded by Thursday but I don’t want to hear any complaining. Number three, we’ve no rakes in the bunkers due to the Corona. Blame Trump for that one.”

“And don’t forget lads!” Ridley added. “The restaurant and bar are closed because of the Covid. And so is the range. So play away and then off ye go straight home after.”